day in the life of a trad wife or whatever

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Day in the life of a 23 year old trad wife influencer.

As a traditional wife and mother, my day revolves around caring for my 6 children. There’s McKaighleigh, McKinsley, McKinney, McKenna, McKenzie, and 2 week old Mirena who was named after my new best friend, the contraceptive coil.

And of course there’s my biggest boy, my 1782 week old husband. As a stay at home wife and mommy he’s basically like my boss. That’s a joke. He’s not my boss. He’s just in charge of everything because he’s a man. If I had control of the money I’d just spend it on silly things like lipstick and cocaine. Girl math!

I wake up at 4am every day and do a quick two hour workout. Baby Mirena is already two weeks old; I really should be back in pre-baby form by now. Having a perfect physique is very important to me. So my hubby isn't tempted to meet any of the office sluts for a quicky in the supply closet. He has a history of that kind of thing. It’s how we got together. Very trad.

I decide to wear a vintage 1950s dress, petticoat and pearls. Because it’s nice to look nice. And because trousers are for whores.

Next, I make breakfast. My hubby said he fancies eggs on toast so I decide to bake a fresh loaf. While it bakes, I head out to the garden farm to collect some freshly laid eggs. We have two hens, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young — yes, I named our girl chickens boy names — I’m progressive! I set up my phone camera and film myself gathering eggs because nothing says traditional like smartphone technology.

Once hubby has left for work, I dress the children. I decide on matching outfits in a bright, vibrant beige. I have to post an advert on my Instagram so I line up all my beige children in my beige living room near some beige toys. I find beige is the best colour for children. It’s just so trad.

The most important part of being a trad wife influencer is showing the world that I am the ultimate traditional woman. Part of my husband’s core belief system is that women shouldn’t be breadwinners or be in positions of power. That’s why I stay at home, raking in advertising revenue while I influence people into increasingly radical right wing ideologies.

Hubby will be home soon so I decide to get started on dinner. While it cooks, I go live on TikTok to sell some essential oils from my TikTok storefront. Who needs vaccines when you have essential oils? It’s not a pyramid scheme — it’s a three dimensional triangle scheme.

Once hubby and the kids are in bed, I finally have some time to myself to recharge before another traditional day tomorrow. And another after that. And another after that. And another after that. And another after that. And another after that. And another after that. And another after that. And another after that. And another aft

My favourite way to decompress is to take a walk into the garden. I take off my shoes and feel the grass beneath my feet. I strip naked, snort a line, and scream into the night: Get me out of here!!! Which is very trad.