if Ticketmaster handled the Crucifixion

content warning blasphemy or something I would imagine

In a move that no one asked for but everyone should have expected, Ticketmaster is “thrilled to announce” its exclusive partnership with Pontius Pilate and the Roman Empire to bring you the hottest event of the first century: The Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Rebranded as “Crucifixion: The Messiah Experience,” this once-in-a-lifetime event is projected to sell out within seconds so make sure to have your denarii at the ready—if you can beat the virtual queue, that is.

From Ticketmaster.com:

Tickets for Crucifixion: The Messiah Experience are now available, but not really.

Before we get into how to buy your ticket, let’s address the obvious. If you’re here hoping to snag a general admission spot on Golgotha Hill, think again. Those standard tickets sold out immediately—though no one is quite sure if they were ever available to begin with. If you still want to “feel the nails” and experience the true pain of the event, we suggest upgrading to one of our exclusive VIP packages!

General Admission (No Longer Available)

• Standing room in the desert

• Access to basic sunburns

• Sand in your sandals

• Catering provided by 40 Days and 40 Nights Fast Food Truck

Gold Experience (500d)

• Prime viewing position just behind the Pharisees

• Complimentary replica thorn crown

• Limited edition parchment programme, signed by Pontius Pilate himself

• Limited access to a communal jug of vinegar

Platinum Experience (2,000d)

• Reserved seating next to John the Apostle in the dedicated Disciple Area (11 seats available)

• Early access to the crucifixion, including an exclusive behind-the-tomb tour

• One (1) free selfie with Roman soldiers (executioners not included)

• Complimentary souvenir flagellum keyring

But wait, there’s more! For those who truly want to get close to the action, the Ultimate Messiah VIP Experience (starting at 5,000d) is where the real miracles happen. Not only will you get a front-row seat right beneath the cross, but you’ll also receive a customised replica Holy Lance engraved with your name—perfect for recreating the moment the Roman centurion pierces the side of Jesus in the comfort of your own home!

How to Get Your Tickets (or Not)

Ticketmaster wants to make it easy for you to witness this once-in-an-eternity spectacle. So easy, in fact, that you’ll spend several hours being “held in purgatory,” as you are taunted with promises of available spots that appear and disappear then mysteriously vanish the moment you’re about to check out. All you have to do is clear your cookies, say a prayer, and sacrifice a lamb to the server gods.

And don’t bother trying to scalp your tickets if you actually manage to get them—unauthorised resales will result in immediate smiting by thunderbolt.

Hidden Fees (i.e. Your Personal Cross to Bear)

As always, Ticketmaster is committed to “transparency” with its fees. What better way to feel spiritually cleansed than to be aware of all the ways you're getting gouged?

• Processing Fee: 150d (because processing nails into flesh takes effort)

• Print-at-Home Papyrus Fee: 50d (for an authentic first-century ticketing experience)

• Resurrection Insurance: 100d (just incase)

And let’s not forget the "Heavenly Access Fee"—a modest 200d tacked onto each purchase to ensure your prayers for a smooth transaction don’t go unanswered. Should you choose not to pay, expect a “miraculous” website crash right before checkout.

Exclusive Afterlife Bundles

For just a little extra (5.99d per month), the Eternal Subscription Package gives you access to a lifetime (and beyond) of divine events. Ever wanted to see Moses part the Red Sea? Now you can—with ad-free 4K Ultra HD streaming.

Your Salvation Awaits (If You Can Afford It)

If you’re ready to secure your spot in the history books and witness humanity's ultimate sacrifice, grab your scroll and your denarii, and pray the Ticketmaster gods favour you. Just remember, if the rapture happens before you can check out, all sales are final.

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my google history:

• was Judas at the crucifixion

• which disciples were at crucifixion

• what is a pharisee

• were Pharisees at the crucifixion

• who shouted crucify him crucify him

• flagellation Jesus

• what did they flagellate Jesus with

• flagellum jesus

• where was Jesus crucified

• Jesus crucified did hill have name

• how to prepare for a crucifixion (shockingly yielded no useful results)

• crucifixion behind the scenes (don’t know what I was thinking here)

• jesus crucified under roman empire

• Jesus currency

• denarius

• denarius plural

• denarii in a sentence

• what can you get in a desert (even I don’t know what kind of answer I was looking for)

• denarii abbreviation

• Jesus paper

• Jesus paper what material

• what is Ticketmaster process

• describe process of buying tickets on Ticketmaster

• what was Jesus side stabbed with

• who stab Jesus

• what era Jesus (clearly getting bored now)

• Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights

• how did jesus fast for 40 days without dying (clearly getting interested now)

• Jesus drink water desert

• how Jesus get water desert

• what god smite with

• did god smite with lightning

• difference between thunderbolt and lightning (very very frightening me (Galileo, etc.))