A good few years ago I was working with a woman with whom I did not get along. She was vocally a flat-earther and climate change denier and anti-vax and anti-IVF and we just completely disagreed on most things. I know she felt the same derision towards my views which I did make known, admittedly less often and less relentlessly than she did (but sometimes I can’t help myself when I think people are talking shite). It wasn’t just her opinions, though. It was everything. She was loud, hyperactive, closed-minded, moody, and if she was in a bad mood everyone had to know about it. Again, I know she reciprocated these feelings of annoyance. She was always talking about how she doesn’t like people who aren’t ‘fun’ and I am decidedly not the kind of person that she would consider fun: I’m quite reserved, I never burst into song or dance and I don’t ever, like, run about. I’m also quite blunt, sarcastic and have tendencies towards the sceptical. She thought that I thought that I was smarter than her and that she was immature. What I really thought was that she was an absolute pain the arse.
We were working in the woods in a foreign country, living in shared cabins, without much access to electricity or connection to the real world, apart from maybe one day a week when we were able to go in a car to the nearest shopping mall and supermarket and remind ourselves that there were still other people in the world.1
For a while, this woman and I were working closely together quite a lot and, even when we weren’t working together, she was still always there. When we were sleeping or eating or when, after 12 hours outside in a heatwave having to be smiley and chipper and ‘on’ all day and I just wanted to sit on a log and stare into the campfire, she was always there.
Our living situation was a bit of a self-sustaining ecosystem. When you were making dinner and putting it out and clearing up, you would do it for everyone. When you were going to collect clothes that had been drying, you’d ask if anyone else had anything you could collect for them. You would get water for people or carry things for them or help with whatever task they were doing or offer them one of your sweets. You would just do extra wee nice things for people here and there because, when you’re living in a shared environment, it’s nice to do nice things for each other.
This woman and I didn’t do any fewer nice things for each other than we did for anyone else. We even did things for each other on the day when she said ‘people who vaccinate their children are evil’ and (I swear to god) ‘space isn’t real’ and I said ‘look at the fucking moon, where the fuck do you think the fucking moon is then?’ Perhaps not my finest rhetorical moment, but I mean…this was every day, while living in the woods. Every. Day. If you’re curious, she thought the moon was ‘in the sky.’ Obvious follow-up: ‘where’s the sky?’ The answer: ‘up there.’ Can’t argue with that, to be fair.
‘You don’t owe anyone anything’ is an adage that is constantly flitting about under the guise of good advice. I think it probably is good advice for someone who struggles with feeling pressure to be everything for everyone or with being a people pleaser. (Much to be said about people who think they are ‘people pleasers’ while very intentionally behaving in ways which please no people. But that’s a different topic.) I don’t, however, think ‘you don’t owe anyone anything’ is a blanket statement that should be applied across the board.
Firstly, I don’t think ‘you don’t owe anyone anything’ is true. I think there are people to whom you do owe something by virtue of voluntarily entering into relationships with them. Who that person is and what you owe them differs from relationship to relationship, but there are definitely people in my life to whom I believe I owe certain kindnesses or grace. And just to be really pedantic, I actually think that, purely by virtue of being human and living under the social contract of society, you owe other humans basic respect of their humanity. Kind of in the same way you owe the government taxes. But that’s largely basic level ‘don’t hurt them, don’t steal from them, don’t degrade them’ type stuff.
I do think it’s true, though, that you don’t owe people much. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it anyway. You don’t owe strangers kindness, you don’t owe your neighbour to take receipt of their parcel when they’re out, you don’t owe your best friend help to pack her flat into boxes. Of course you shouldn’t run yourself into the ground extending yourself beyond your physical or financial capacity for people who don’t return the favour or, at the very least, appreciate what you do for them. But, radical statement, it’s good to do things for people, even when those things aren’t your responsibility, even when those things aren’t convenient for you. It lays the groundwork for a better and kinder environment that you get to live in. Not even on a macro societal or global level, just interpersonally. I don’t talk to my neighbours beyond smiling and saying hello when we pass by (nothing against them, i’m just not that kind of person living on not that kind of street), but it would be absolutely ludicrous behaviour if someone refused to take in a delivery for someone else. On this street, you never have to go to the depot to collect a parcel. Sometimes one simply cannot sit by the door every moment of a 10am-6pm delivery window — I have a life, okay, Royal Mail??
On a completely selfish level, my life is better and easier and richer because I do things for other people and they do things for me. Not all the time, not every day, but when something arises that I need help with, I know I have people I can ask and people I can rely on. Because I also do things for them. It’s give and it’s take. And sure there are some people for whom I do more than they do for me (@ my brother). But there are also people who do more for me than I do for them (thanks, mum ❤️). Thus the familial micro-ecosystem keeps ticking (sans resentment).
There’s a lot of talk online about the loneliness epidemic. And a lot of people who bemoan the lack of community in modern life. I’m certainly not going to pretend I have any solutions to either of these problems, but I can’t help but think the way we live, many of us engaging more deeply with the people we see on a five inch screen than those we see in human size, getting lifts to the airport from uber instead of friends, doesn’t help. Maybe have a friend round and make them dinner instead of just seeing them on nights out? Maybe ask to borrow something instead of asking where they bought it? idk i’m just spitballing here.2
There’s also the thing—I believe proven fact—about how asking someone for a favour makes them like you more. Apparently asking someone to do something for you makes them feel closer to you, more so even than if you were to do something for them. Maybe trading favours and doing nice things for people might actually scientifically bring people closer and help create bonds within communities. But don’t quote me on that—I am not a scientist; I am someone who, a mere paragraph ago, used the word ‘spitballing.’
I think there is a tendency, in the world of ‘you don’t owe anyone anything,’ to cut people out who don’t live up to our exact standards. Of course sometimes this is warranted. But other times the problem is a clash between people who have different communication styles, different wants and expectations from a particular relationship, or different opinions on how to achieve a shared goal. I think, in some instances, if both parties are willing, it can be worth trying to work things out before cutting people off. And it’s not all or nothing. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone. I can keep someone in my life with whom I disagree on some elements of politics (by politics I mean things like whether Scotland should be an independent country, not things like who gets to have human rights). You don’t have to cut someone out completely if they just happen to do your nut in—you can keep them at arm’s length if you want to.
You don’t have to be in perfect agreement with everyone in your community in order to be in community with them. Sometimes you can get along with people well enough to live in mutually beneficial harmony even if you just don’t like them all that much. I’m not saying you need to open your heart/mind/arms/home to everyone you meet. I am saying that sometimes, if you’re making dinner anyway, you can make dinner for someone who tells you space isn’t real. Cause she might do the dishes later when you can’t be arsed.
Internet-necessary caveats: (1) You don’t have to give your friend a tenner when you only have a fiver in your bank account. (2) You don’t need to be nice to people who are cunts if you don’t want to. (3) If people have really abhorrent views, however you define that, or make you feel unsafe in any way, then none of this applies, obviously. I’m trusting that you read this in good faith and with common sense.
for all the nuance fans out there:
there were more than just the two of us in this scenario, but even then a threshold is reached rather quickly.
never said the word ‘spitballing’ in my life, the americanisation comes for us all
Really enjoyed this! Also learnt something new—the 'asking someone for a favour makes you like them more' thing is totally new to me. But it makes sense, and I've experienced it :o
This is very well-written!! And I agree with the sentiments behind it; I think the importance of community is definitely understated these days. Sometimes it's almost like we're encouraged to focus on ourselves more than anything else, and while it is true to a degree that we can't help anyone else without first helping ourselves, the importance of helping others and being a team player shouldn't be undervalued.